New Parenting Book also good for Involved Grandparents

Article By: James Pasternak

When parenting coach Sarah Chana Radcliffe launched Raise Your Kids without Raising your Voice (HarperCollins) last week it only made sense that dozens of parents trying to chart a successful upbringing path of least resistance showed up. After all, this middle boomer audience has probably ploughed through dozens of books and attended numerous seminars and courses on how to get the parenting job done without kids writing nasty things in their diary.

But while books were flying off the table and Mrs. Radcliffe was signing frantically, the audience actually lacked a demographic – the 50plus crowd - that is increasingly looking after their children’s children. While the book was not written for grandparents per se, it reads as a handy guide for grandparents who play a wider role in the day-to-day upbringing of their grandchildren.

One need only glance at parks, car pools, or the stands at little league and pee wee hockey to see the level of involvement of today’s grandparents.

"It's the type of book grandparents would like from the point of view because it does teach children on how to be respectful. Grandparents felt that was important for their own children," Radcliffe told carp.ca.

"This is an updated model of what kind of techniques you can use to get a child to be respectful that are inherently respectful themselves - the techniques often model respect...It's a stress-free way of gaining co-operation from kids."

And this is not anecdotal. Ten years ago Canadian Member of Parliament Daphne Jennings stated in the House of Commons that “Most of us realize in our present society we have many grandparents already raising their grandchildren, not because after raising their own family they are anxious to raise another generation. Usually it is simply because they are needed and their help is asked for.”

Statistics Canada reported that even though the frequencies of visits decrease, as children grow older, 40 per cent of adolescents over 15 see their grandparents at least once a month.

According to The Grandparent’s Association in the United Kingdom 60% of childcare provision is provided by grandparents. One in every hundred children is living with a grandparent - an average of 2-4 in every primary school grandparents. Mrs. Radcliffe speaks with experience and authority. She holds a master’s of education in psychology and is a registered member of the College of Psychologists of Ontario. She has a private practice in marital, family and individual counselling and has been conducting parenting workshops, lectures and seminars locally and internationally for more than 25 years. She was a coordinator and parent educator for the Learning Disabilities Clinic of the Toronto Wellesley Hospital and was also a researcher in developmental psychology at the Metropolitan Toronto School Board and at the Institute of Child Study, U of T. And she has six children.

If today’s grandparent – much like the parent – wants to save themselves some grief and ensure their relationship with their grandchildren stays healthy, they should take a quick look at the strategies being introduced in Raise your Kids (www.harpercollins.ca). Car pool need not be a test of wills that leaves a relationship in tatters.

The book offers a strategies to help children deal with disappointment, fear and jealousy; resolve feelings of being overwhelmed, of anxiety, inadequacy and despair; deal with both parents’ and children’s anger; end arguing and reduce conflict; fostering co-operation, closeness, love and respect; and gives straightforward strategies that reduce the need for discipline.

Ironically, Radcliffe advocates “Grandma’s Rule” when parents or guardians are on a collision course with a child. “Grandma’s Rule stands somewhere between a bad-feeling technique and a good-feeling technique,” writes Radcliffe. “This is because it contains both an unpleasant instruction and a pleasant reward.”

So a line like “As soon as you’ve cleaned up the toys, you can go out to play” leaves the parent in a position of authority, whether the child turns down the offer or not. After all, they may not clean up the toys, but the consequence is that they won’t see daylight either.

Radcliffe feels that part of the secrete to successful parenting is “in the ratio.” In other words the proportion of positive feelings to negative ones for younger children is the 80-20 Rule. For teenagers, it must be increased to 90-10.

“Parents do not actually force their children to do anything; rather they set up conditions to inspire and motivate,” writes Radcliffe.

The same applies for grandparents.

"If the grandparent finds that they are having to nag a lot; getting a little frustrated or irritated with the child, the book can provide antidotes to that, which will make the experience more pleasant for the grandparent and definitely more pleasant for the child," says Radcliffe.